Countdown...

I sit in my classroom and slowly run my eyes over the pictures, posters, books, desks, bulletin boards, cabinets, white boards. I am anticipating the arrival of my students and notice the clock counting down--T-minus 20 minutes. I'm in a reflective mood--especially today. Today, Mikey interviews for a full-time job with the city. Today, we will probably hear from our realtor, updating us on the status of our offer on that house (or at least, we hope!). Today is Monday and the beginning of a new week; coincidentally the last week of September. Today, I struggle to put away my doubts and fears, stop my leg's nervous bouncing up-and-down, and dwell in these moments. 15 minutes left.

For the past two years, we have been avoiding a full-time job for Mikey. Funny how that works, seeing as how we would like to start having kids and I would very much like to stay at home with said kids if that were to happen. But we haven't felt right about it. There's always been something better on the horizon--something that called for more simple but fulfilling living. The last "clear message from God" we had in the career area was for Mikey to stay part-time and spend his off-time hanging out with college kids. Now, since God sent us to Africa...and then sent us back to America...the college kid thing isn't in the picture and we are left pondering if there is any reason that Mikey is still part-time. I feel like I'm still hanging on to that last message for dear life. "This is what God said to us! I know what we're supposed to be doing!" But we aren't finding that that is relevant anymore and now these options are available that we were avoiding before. I am circulating through my mind that last Africa-thought before we got on a plane to return: live in the NEXT thing...God will open and shut doors as he pleases....you don't have to know what's next....10 minutes.

Okay: here's what's next that you can pray for...

*We put an offer on a house...our first-ever offer! We are really excited about this house and are already dreaming about where to put things and how it will effect our hosting-life-style. I am seeking to enjoy those dreams with open hands, so that if God has something better for us, he won't have to wrench it away from me

*Mikey has a job interview with the city today; pray for peace over Mikey during the interview, and peace for us afterwards whether he gets it or not.

*We are full into the swing of life here, which for us often means spending the majority of our off-work time with other people; please pray that we would not stop pursuing one another and become simply co-habitators. I am feeling disconnected from Mikey at times and want us to connect over more than just logistics.

*I am doing a (required, I'm sorry to say) devotional in front of our high school body on Wednesday and I am getting nauseas anytime I think about it; I'll be sharing a bit about Africa and want it to be relevant, understood, and communicated clearly. Gosh, I am so nervous!

I guess I'm more inclined to write when I'm struggling, eh? I will try to write on more joyous occasions! Thanks for listening to the good, the bad and the ugly.

Love,

Laura

Don't Forget... Episode 4

"Don't Forget..."

Laura,

As I see the fire being sucked out from within you, let me agree with Charles Spurgeon in saying "Instead of trying to revive yourself, offer prayers. Do not say, 'I will revive myself,' but cry, 'O Lord, revive thy work.' To say, 'I will revive myself,' reveals that you do not know your true state. If you knew your own true state, you would just as soon expect a wounded soldier on the battlefield to heal himself without medicine, or get himself to hospital when his arms or legs have been shot off as you would expect to revive yourself without the help of God."

It goes without saying that the change that occurred in you while abroad was from God--therefore, let Him be in control of that change even now. You didn't do it to yourself, so you aren't going to be able to maintain it. You had joy in serving the Lord in Africa because of the sense of SURRENDER you experienced. You came face-to-face with the giant AIDS and his cousin crisis, ORPHAN and standing before them, staring up into their daunting gaze, you were aware of your own utter insignificance. What freedom! Unable to live in the arrogant fabrication that you have an inherent power, that you have some control, you became a child again. Your work became enjoyable service for a kind master, rather than the furious busy-ness demanded by the tyrant SELF. Instead of going nowhere but deeper into the mire of your own inadequacies, you began to soar, to actually get somewhere, to make a real difference.

The dwindling of your passion, this gradual weighing down you are experiencing, is the result of self-made burdens. Let me help you lighten this heaviness by telling you the truth. Darkness flees before Light. Here is the Light: you are trying to live constantly in a state of joy and happiness by giving yourself daily "pep talks." You call these pep talks "devotions" but they aren't really about God at all. They are about you--about attaining a certain emotional state, not becoming closer to Him. Do you understand that you cannot make Him love you more through reading the Bible and praying? Do you understand that you cannot distance yourself from His love if you neglect these disciplines? You are trying to act like an adult, when all you achieve is "frightened orphan." Be a child again who realizes her place of belonging.

You feel the present like a punishment; you think that life is living in Africa. When you ask "revive thy work," you are really demanding "make me feel as I did then" and instead of waiting for an answer, but dive into your next plan to achieve that goal. Africa was a beautiful past, a vibrant, perfectly created stepping stone. Just as Africa was a God-plan formed just for you, this job, this NOW, is a God-plan...formed just for you.

Ask Him, truly ask Him, to revive His work in you. Ask Him with palms out and open and empty, the back-up plan in your pocket shredded before-hand. In fact, turn all your pockets out, too. No crossed fingers. No, come empty so that you can be filled. Don't lose hope, Dear One. REVIVE means that the work is already there. HIS means that it's not yours to worry about. IN YOU is an invitation to be a part of something grand.

The same God in Africa is the same God now...and yesterday and tomorrow and forever.

Love,
Me (Laura)

P.s. This is NOT a pep talk!

To our many readers:

I didn't realize how many of you there were! This last week, especially, I got to talk to many of you face to face and it revealed that truth to me. I am just now registering--after those conversations--that this realization was a gift to me...a reminder that we're not in this life alone and that people care about our journey. I guess I was looking at this blog as more of a formality--putting our experiences out there just to say we did but more for our own processing-purposes--but now that I know how many of you are truly investing in and listening to us here, I feel so different about writing posts. I have a heightened sense of responsibility to you all--to be honest, to not hold back, to show you how grateful we are.

It's really a curious thing, the feeling you get from sharing your life with someone else. There have been many times over the past month of adjusting that I have felt very alone, as if I were the only one going through such uncertainty and having such a hard time with trust. But last week, you had the opportunity to share with me similar feelings and reveal that you are going through transitions just as difficult. It encourages me that our being open about our lives gives "permission"--if you will--for you to be open with us in the realization that we all share this common experience of being human.

I know that I've said this to you already, when I found out that you are following our blog, but I have to reiterate it here to let you know that when I say "THANK YOU for reading our blog" I truly mean it. You have helped me to remember that I'm not alone.

So, in the spirit of this post, and knowing that we are tied to one another through the sharing of our lives, here are some ways that you can be praying for us right now!

Please pray for true wisdom, clarity and trust in these HUGE areas:

*We are searching for a house, starting "officially" tomorrow

*We are in need of a vehicle for Mikey

*We (maybe Laura more than anything) are uncertain about Mikey's career/job

and that in the midst of making these life decisions, Mikey and I will be able to pursue, invest in and communicate with one another

I will try to update again as life continues to unfold!

Thank you, thank you, thank you...

Love,

Laura

Don't Forget... Episode 3

"Don't Forget..."

Laura,

the number one greatest phenomena that occurred in Africa: you forgot about yourself.

I sense that the memory of this is quickly passing from your mind of late. Who knew it would be so easy to let go of upon return to the States? Well, you're learning now. Let's bring it home to roost (as they say) once more. You were so afraid that you would be the same old self-aware YOU when you went to SA, weren't you? Your goal was to re-orient on the whole "IMAGE" issue...hopefully by the end of the summer, however pessimistic you were that it would happen. Understandable--being skeptical that something that had such a hold on you would be altered by even a life-changing experience like this trip.

And what did you discover? It wasn't a dream--say it out loud: YOU CHANGED. Within the first week, your attention to self dissipated and, vision unveiled, you SAW OTHERS. Time spent face-to-face with flesh and blood and the open, beating life of people replaced time spent before your reflection in disapproval. You not only spent less time in conscious thought about your body, you almost stopped thinking about it all together.

I think it's appropriate to assume that the lack of commercials and magazines--advertisements for idolatry of self more than the product being sold--were a part of this effect. You know that's not all, though. The fact is that when you held the concepts of weight and wardrobe into the light of the TRUTH about life's design, they shriveled so fast that they fell out of your hand, not waiting anymore for you to willingly let go.

It was not hard to see to Life's core in a place where people weren't certain where their next meal was coming from, only owned one pair of shoes, were involuntarily uneducated and probably unemployed; women barely in their 20's raising two kids alone; 15 year-olds becoming the head of their household in the blink of an eye; minimum wage barely cresting $250 a month and causing fathers to spend whole weeks away from the family they are trying to support. What perspective this affords! LAURA: In no way can life be about the clothes you wear, the furniture you own, the car you drive, the size house you have, the size pants you wear--for crying out loud, it can't be about that because most people in most countries in the world can't even afford to THINK about those things, much less let them direct and control their life path.

You know what is left, when all those lies are exposed: human life. The very image of God on earth, and you have a lifetime here to nurture it, share it, encourage it and in turn be shaped and encouraged by it. Each obsessive thought about image and reputation is a waste of the precious gift of time. Oh, you were so drawn into that vibrant way of living--existence orbiting around relationship (ah, I see your face is changing...you understand...it was so contagious and so desirable, it wasn't hard to leave the old habits behind). Well, good news: there's human life here in Greensboro, too....and anywhere else you could ever go, for that matter. You don't have to leave that perspective behind. After all, Truth is Truth no matter where you go or what choices you make.

I know it is hard not to return to seeing life through this convenient lens, but raise your eyes, Laura, look above! Let the Light of Heaven illuminate what comes before you and when that happens, and Truth stands out bold and smiling while Falsity shrinks back into shadow, choose to stand fast next to it, choose to live life each day standing FAST next to it.

"I NEED THEE EVERY HOUR, most Gracious Lord.
No tender voice like Thine can peace afford.
I NEED THEE EVERY HOUR, in joy or pain.
Come quickly and abide, or life is in vain.
I NEED THEE, O, I NEED THEE;
EVERY HOUR, I NEED THEE.
O, bless me now, my Savior,
I come to thee!"


Illumined,
Me (Laura)